What Even Is This?

GUYS.

I have no f*cking idea why I stopped writing. Not a clue. All I remember is waking up one morning and feeling like I had absolutely nothing else to say about my life and what a giant awful beautiful shit show it was turning out to be. I was not trying to hear my own thoughts, let alone put them out on the internet for a bunch of strangers to judge.

Don’t get me wrong, I love that you guys were even taking the time to read my blogs (or even look at my GIF collection, I spent a lot of time on it (._. ) and giving me feedback. 

What I do know however, is that I need some type of outlet to get myself out of this depression I’ve been in. I commend all of my fellow twenty-somethings who are still mentally and physically thriving during this weird time in our lives. (Okay but forreal, is this the apocalypse? And if so, why are we not just spending our last days on a nice beach with a strong drink??) I mean, the past year and a half have been a clusterf*ck of chaos and life just continues to continue. The question “do I have to??” has never crossed my mind as often as it has these past few months and I think my brain just said “No” and shut all the way down.

Are you ready for me to be completely vulnerable right now? I hope so — Alcohol has been thinking and feeling for me lately. And by that I don’t even think I mean feeling so much as it’s had me on autopilot for a few months. I am very aware that I am using it to cope with said funk but even so I can’t seem to gain back full control. It’s kind of hard to explain but let me give it a go: It’s the equivalent of pulling on your seatbelt repeatedly but it just won’t budge and go in the f*cking buckle. Ya know how that just makes you RAGE? That’s probably the best comparison. 

It’s like I have days where I wake up and feel like I can do anythingggg. But other days, something just creeps into my mind and it feels like I should be ashamed to even have the nerve. I’m sure I’m not the only one, Shout out to my fluoxetine friends. But it just sucks, right? 

Listen, besides the fact that anxiety and depression have been present and partying with me for awhile now I can’t help but feel like I’m being a tiny bit dramatic. People have lost loved ones and livelihoods to this virus and the only thing I’ve truly lost is my ambition. Not at all the same right? But why have I been feeling so unfulfilled and empty…why can’t I take myself off of this dormant-type autopilot and get back to my old self? I like to think that blogging again is a step in the right direction, but I can assure you I’m still slightly dead inside now even as I type this <3. 

There’s a ton I could sit here and catch you up on (no worries, I will) but for now I just want to say Hello fellow readers, I’ve missed talking to you and hang in there. You aren’t alone. Life is weird and super fucked up right now but we will All. Be. Okay.… _{I think}. 🙂

Anyway, I think it would be mentally healthy (and cheaper than therapy) for me to keep this up so I can get back to my bubbly creative self. I’m hoping the same for you, twenty somethings. Stay sane.

!!!!!IMPORTANT P.S!!!!!!!!!

If you can, let’s help out our twenty-somethings and their families who have been affected by Hurricane Ida during the past week. Here is a link to donate:

Donate

~Tay